Last night I watched a movie about a 15 year old boy. He was so stressed about how his current accomplishments (or lack of) were going to effect his future, that he felt like he wanted to jump off a bridge. His desire to jump off of a bridge scared him, because he didn't really want to die, so he checked himself into a mental ward.
There have been times in my life that I've felt pressure. I've felt the weight of a bad decision to the point I have thought, "I've ruined my life." But, thankfully, those feelings didn't take place when I was 15.
At 15 my biggest worries were about trivial stuff like clothes and boys and making it on the cheer squad. I didn't have the kind of parents who pressured me to get into a superior college. Truth be known, they didn't seem to have any expectations. They did the best they could to support my goals. Whatever pressures I felt, I can only blame on myself.
Many things are said about youngest children. (I am the youngest child.) I suppose, somewhere in all of the birth order studies, there must be some explanation for paths I have chosen. They say a lot of youngest children want to be the center of attention - they become actors like Jim Carey did. I am not interested in having a literal "spot light" shine on me; but, just as an actor or singer has to be driven to succeed in a competitive environment, I find myself driven to accomplish.
It has taken me awhile to find the "what" I wish to accomplish.
When I was in my high school and early college years I thought I wanted to be a greeting card artist. Creating greeting cards doesn't sound like a "great accomplishment" for an artist. Most artists have bigger aspirations - like having their work displayed in galleries and museums. But, I didn't want to create something that could only be enjoyed by a few people. I wanted to create something that would be printed and enjoyed by thousands of people (while I was still alive).
Fast forward a few years. After relocating to Washington, and having our first baby, I took a break from school. I tried to get into the freelance market with some simple illustrations. However, my dream of making it "big" as a greeting card artist changed when I learned that Hallmark was located in Kansas, and they didn't really take on free lance work.
A few years and another relocation later, I was asked to create a potato bag design for a local farmer's brand. It was exciting to see "my bag" displayed in the fresh produce sections at grocery stores. I enjoyed the work but realized I needed more skills; so, I went back to school to study graphic design. I wasn't really sure what I'd do when I finished school; but, I enjoyed what I was learning and I was determined to be really good at it.
It was during that time I discovered what it felt like to be one of the best. My work was praised and displayed in showcases. It was thrilling - and addictive. If I could do that, what more could I accomplish?
After art school, another baby was part of the plan. I didn't think about designing or having a career; but, that inner need to "accomplish" didn't give me a break for long. When Baby 2 was still a toddler, I found myself diving into another project - one that took me, unwittingly, into a whole new "high stakes" environment. Before I knew it, I found myself drowning in the retail business. (This is where the real pressure began - along with the worry that "I'd ruined my life.")
Before digging myself into a deep (retail disaster) hole, everything I did felt like a hobby. I could do it or not. No real need and no pressure. Suddenly, my skills were a matter for survival. I had to come up with a design that would actually create income - and it had to take virtually no investment because I was out of money, and in extreme debt. I was determined. I researched and I created. That is how my first product, Alphaduets, were born.
The Alphaduets were a successful spring board to many other products. One of those products, Mosaic Moments™, has allowed me to influence the lives of thousands of people. (I guess I didn't need Hallmark afterall.)
Of course, the successes have not come easily and I haven't always appreciated my role in scrapbooking. There have been times when I felt it was getting in the way of more important things in my life. But, without the experiences I've had doing business in the scrapbook industry, it is unlikely I would have ever recognized the inspiration or felt capable of persuing my latest venture - the "What" I wish to do.
I've learned much about myself over the past 10 years. I am determined. I am resourceful. I can adapt. I can endure. I can push myself to do hard things.
The hardest thing I've had to do? Learn to forgive myself for making mistakes. The next hardest has been to embrace a "new life" - not the life I thought I was supposed to live, but the life I am actually living.
"Accepting" yourself is like a valve on a pot. It relieves pressure.